Alright, I normally keep this blog pretty surface level, just a log of all the places I go and eat, etc. But to be honest, right now I’m going through some shit. My therapist told me that I needed to take some time to really process it, and so I decided to do it here. It’ll be easy to come back to if I need it and maybe someone else who really needs it will stumble across it and find some help and comfort.
About a year and half ago, I found myself in a really, really dark place. My life had spiraled out of control, I was destroying the relationships that meant the most to me, and I was turning away from everyone, becoming bitter, angry, and cold. I felt like no one really cared about me. I realized the hard way that I had to make a huge change. I didn’t know what to do or how to do it, so I started counseling. One of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
I’ve discovered that I picked up a lot of bad coping mechanisms and thinking patterns from my childhood. I learned how to have unrealistic expectations of those I love, to blame others for my unhappiness, and how to just be numb, to not acknowledge my feelings. I didn’t know how unhealthy it was to shut down my emotions, to stop communicating when I was hurting. And so much more.
Through this journey, I also realized the root cause of it all. Someone close to me, that I love has Borderline Personality Disorder, undiagnosed. I always knew this relationship was tumultuous. I have spent my entire life trying to fix it. I always felt like I was the problem, that if I tried a little harder, things could be better, and that we could have the close relationship that I’d been longing for my whole life.
Thankfully, I have finally realized that I am not the problem. And it has been the most freeing thing ever. Granted, I am still struggling with how to handle this relationship- that’s my biggest struggle right now- but it is so comforting to know that I am not the problem.
For a little bit more information on borderline personality disorder, please check out this website: Borderline Personality Disorder. Stay tuned for more as I process this all and open up… It should be an interesting journey.